Find a Partner

This isn't meant to be a "how to" guide on finding a partner, it's meant to speak to the importance of finding a partner in your lover/spouse/companion.  Don't worry if you don't know what this means, I just learned about the true meaning of the word partner after I fell for someone who I would be extremely honored to call a partner. 


To me, a partner is a companion that you push and who pushes you.  You make each other better in all aspects of life.  You celebrate each other's victories and you life each other up during times of defeat.  Your partner is someone you respect and adore equally.  If you respect them more than you adore them, you'll grow to fear them.  If you adore them more than you respect them, you'll grow to resent them. 


I am currently smitten with someone I respect greatly for being a smart and aggressive leader in his field.  But, I equally adore him for being a compassionate, multi-faceted, and loving individual.  


In my experience, two lions do not partner well.  They fight in order to maintain dominance in the relationship.  The value of having a partner that you respect and adore, is that those two lend themselves to the most important factor in any relationship...trust.


I know that I am an alpha female, and I'm smitten with an alpha male, but having respect and adoration for him will lead to trust, and having trust will allow me to submit to him.  And while I'm absolutely a feminist and a "lean in" type of woman, I also think that if you can find someone you trust, it's okay to submit to them in a partnership. 


When is it not okay to submit to a man you ask? My answer would be... when you do so blindly.  Meaning, when you do it because he's a man.  Or when you do it after he's given you no reason to trust that he can steer your relationship (and potentially your future).

I truly hope this post does not offend anyone, I'm only speaking to the importance of sustaining your relationship by knowing that you have a partner, someone you can trust completely.  Partnership is never easy (enter ego), but it is possible.   The alternative is dependency.  Either you on your significant other, or he/she on you.  If you cannot trust your partner, you should not be with them.  And if you do not both respect and adore them, you will not trust them.

Saturday Night in Berlin

On a recent trip to Europe, I scheduled some time to visit an old professor of mine.  While I was in school I was drawn to his personality, but it never materialized into anything.  I was a student, he was faculty.  And if he had any emotion toward me then, I couldn't tell.  I have always respected him as a smart person, but hadn't kept up with his career trajectory.

So, we met at my hotel around 7:30pm, and I looked cute, as usual, and when he came up to me at the bar, I was pleasantly surprised at how great he looked as well.  We hugged immediately, then sat down and drank and talked for about an hour before we needed to head out for dinner.

During dinner, I started to feel a great connection, and I somewhat switched into my interpretation of "girlfriend mode."  To be brief, I wasn't shy about eating off his plate or drinking from his glass.  Usually a characteristic of "girlfriend mode" includes the need to stroke a man's ego, but I was genuinely impressed with the professor's ability to keep up a charismatic conversation. I think we were just two people comfortable in our own respective skins. 

After hours of conversation, some silly (okay he now knows about my fear of the Zombiepocalypse and Yetis),  it was finally late, so around 1:30am, as the restaurant we were out was turning more so into a social hang out (with some pretty good music playing), the night ended.

We jumped into a taxi, and hit my hotel first where I jumped out and he continued on to his apartment.  Now, this is the part where you wonder if we kissed or anything else of that sort.  To be honest, I don't totally remember how we parted.  I know we didn't kiss, but I think I just thanked him for an amazing night out and jumped out of the taxi.  I cannot even remember if we hugged.  But, again, I cannot be sure.  It was late, I was tired, and my head was in the clouds. 

Upon return to my real life in the US, I started to reflect upon the type of man I would like to attract, and he fits the bill.  But, with all that good, comes some bad.  That being, he is extremely busy always, he lives in Germany, and I have no idea if he would go for a woman like me.

So, to gain some insight into the last obstacle, I reached out to a friend of mine who knows us both, and I disclosed my interest in possibly pursuing a relationship with the professor, and I said to my friend, "I would be lucky to end up with a guy like him."  My friend stopped me and said..."No, you have it all wrong...he would be lucky to have you.  You're like technicolor while he is just monochrome."

I was flattered, but that isn't getting me a real date with the professor.  So, the shining light in this otherwise sad tale is that I am a step closer to knowing what type of man is probably best for me.  Now, where do I find another one?

Does Online Dating Work?

For cute, smart ladies, online dating isn't always a good option.  To me, online dating is for mediocre matches, and if you consider yourself exceptional, you're already at a disadvantage.  Thus is my dilemma around online dating.


From the way you describe yourself to the photographs you post, you're probably thinking... "I have all of these great attributes about myself, I don't have to over-sell it" right?  Well, that doesn't always translate well to the online community.  Personally, I find myself to be "overqualified" for online dating.  8 years ago, it was the perfect way to connect with people I might have been interested in dating, but now... I've come too far.  My career is too advanced, my interests are too sophisticated, my grammar is too precise. 


The types of profiles I see and am attracted to usually say things like: "I love to travel and experience new things..."  Now, that sounds like an interesting person right?  Yes!  Except for the fact that when I actually start speaking with them, they've only started to travel, and it's because they went to Las Vegas this year for their friend's bachelor party. 


As someone who has been traveling on my own since the age of 13, it's very difficult for me to wrap my head around a grown man of say 35 or 40 years old, who has only been within a 500 mile radius of where they grew up.  We would never work.   We would never work because there'd be too many things that are core to who I am, that he would have to learn. 


I don't want to harp on the fact that well traveled means something different to many of the men I meet online, without speaking to the core of why online dating does not really work for cute, smart women. 


In my experience, the men I'm most attracted to (by sheer profile alone) declare that they want someone intelligent, but the moment you say actually show your intelligence, they back off.   Maybe it's the same issue as the well traveled definition, where these guys don't actually know what intelligence is and when I show that I am more intelligent than what they were looking for, it becomes a problem. 


Ultimately, I think online dating does not work for the cute, smart, single lady because we tend to gravitate toward actual relationships and away from hook ups, and with the evolution of online dating and the access of computers and internet connected devices to the masses, it's become the norm that most guys putting out feelers online are not really looking for the long term relationships.  This gives rise to apps such as Tinder which are so superficial, that it should have just been called "booty calls."

Real Life Story - Dating Fail

When I lived in NYC, in addition to meeting men out and about, I'd meet men via online dating.  Sites like Match.com and E-harmony were still decent places to meet quality men.

I met a guy (we'll call him Drew to protect his privacy) on Match.com and we decided to meet for a date at a restaurant in Brooklyn.  Now, this place was a favorite of mine so I was a pretty regular patron.  But, he actually picked the place and went so far as to tell me that he was friends with the owners.  Okay, I didn't care too much about it.  But, funny enough, the owners were more familiar with me for being a regular than they were with him, who claimed to be friends with them. Hmmm... sign number 1?

This restaurant is known for having great mojitos and caipirinhas, so I ordered a caipirinha as we waited to be seated for dinner.  All throughout dinner, Drew talked about his Wall Street salary and his Wall Street bonus and how he used it to buy a townhouse in Brooklyn.  Okay, I didn't care too much about that either.  Hmmm...sign number 2?

So, for those of you who don't know me, my personality is that of a comedian.  Meaning, the more you brag about what you have, the more likely I am to make a joke about what you have.  But I digress...

During dinner, I ordered another drink, and Drew told me that I'd had enough to drink...yes, after one drink... Hmmm...sign number 3?  Maybe he thought I was drunk because I wasn't impressed by his posturing and his transparent methods of trying to lure me in with his wealth and influence.  I must have been drunk to not care about those things huh?

Anyway, the date went basically to my expectation.  A guy who looked really good on paper, turned out to be completely self absorbed and controlling.  He was also somewhat, self aggrandizing.

At the conclusion of the date, I was going to stay at the restaurant in hopes of salvaging my night, but he offered to stay as well, so I decided to cut my losses and leave.  He walked me to my car, and when we arrived at my car which was parked around the corner and half was up the block from the restaurant (thankfully), he stopped to talk some more.

He said to me "I had a really good time, surprisingly, we should do this again!".  Okay, that was the final straw, not only did I not have a good time, but there's no reason why a good time out with me should be "surprising."  So, I cracked.  I told him, "I'm glad you had a good time, I on the other hand, would not like to do this again." I didn't want to crush him, but I also didn't want him to treat women like this is in the future, so I decided to give him a piece of my mind.  I suppose it was easier than having to dodge his calls and emails in the future, so, maybe I did it for myself as well.

The moral of this story is, sometimes, a prince on paper ends up being a frog in real life.

Dating is a Numbers Game

Dating is a game of numbers. Whether you prefer online dating or meeting people out and about, you have to kiss enough frogs to find your prince. One of the most difficult challenges cute, smart women face is finding an equal. But, until you've dated a variety of men, you really might not have any idea about what an equal actually might look like.

Question: If you're attractive, do you feel like you deserve to date someone equally as attractive? 

If you said yes, then you need more help than I'm willing to give in this post. Basically, you don't "deserve" anything more than anyone else, no matter how you look! You should concentrate on the qualities that don't fade over time, personality, intelligence, charisma, dare I say... swagger! Looks fade, so if looks are your number one priority in finding a suitable match, good luck. You're likely to find yourself looking again in no time flat. 

Question: If you're smart, would you ever be happy with someone you deem "not as smart" as you? 

Possibly. Don't bother to discriminate based on resume. Not everyone had Harvard tuition money growing up. You might be surprised by where you meet men who are interesting and smart in ways that you're not. Getting to know someone is more than crossing items off of a checklist. It means understanding the way they think and approach life. While they may not be able to succeed in your chosen profession, they might surprise you with their talents in other arenas. Being too picky is the smart woman's curse. Don't fall into the trap. 

So, remember to be open minded in terms of your dating options because the numbers game has to be played.