Find a Partner

This isn't meant to be a "how to" guide on finding a partner, it's meant to speak to the importance of finding a partner in your lover/spouse/companion.  Don't worry if you don't know what this means, I just learned about the true meaning of the word partner after I fell for someone who I would be extremely honored to call a partner. 


To me, a partner is a companion that you push and who pushes you.  You make each other better in all aspects of life.  You celebrate each other's victories and you life each other up during times of defeat.  Your partner is someone you respect and adore equally.  If you respect them more than you adore them, you'll grow to fear them.  If you adore them more than you respect them, you'll grow to resent them. 


I am currently smitten with someone I respect greatly for being a smart and aggressive leader in his field.  But, I equally adore him for being a compassionate, multi-faceted, and loving individual.  


In my experience, two lions do not partner well.  They fight in order to maintain dominance in the relationship.  The value of having a partner that you respect and adore, is that those two lend themselves to the most important factor in any relationship...trust.


I know that I am an alpha female, and I'm smitten with an alpha male, but having respect and adoration for him will lead to trust, and having trust will allow me to submit to him.  And while I'm absolutely a feminist and a "lean in" type of woman, I also think that if you can find someone you trust, it's okay to submit to them in a partnership. 


When is it not okay to submit to a man you ask? My answer would be... when you do so blindly.  Meaning, when you do it because he's a man.  Or when you do it after he's given you no reason to trust that he can steer your relationship (and potentially your future).

I truly hope this post does not offend anyone, I'm only speaking to the importance of sustaining your relationship by knowing that you have a partner, someone you can trust completely.  Partnership is never easy (enter ego), but it is possible.   The alternative is dependency.  Either you on your significant other, or he/she on you.  If you cannot trust your partner, you should not be with them.  And if you do not both respect and adore them, you will not trust them.

Saturday Night in Berlin

On a recent trip to Europe, I scheduled some time to visit an old professor of mine.  While I was in school I was drawn to his personality, but it never materialized into anything.  I was a student, he was faculty.  And if he had any emotion toward me then, I couldn't tell.  I have always respected him as a smart person, but hadn't kept up with his career trajectory.

So, we met at my hotel around 7:30pm, and I looked cute, as usual, and when he came up to me at the bar, I was pleasantly surprised at how great he looked as well.  We hugged immediately, then sat down and drank and talked for about an hour before we needed to head out for dinner.

During dinner, I started to feel a great connection, and I somewhat switched into my interpretation of "girlfriend mode."  To be brief, I wasn't shy about eating off his plate or drinking from his glass.  Usually a characteristic of "girlfriend mode" includes the need to stroke a man's ego, but I was genuinely impressed with the professor's ability to keep up a charismatic conversation. I think we were just two people comfortable in our own respective skins. 

After hours of conversation, some silly (okay he now knows about my fear of the Zombiepocalypse and Yetis),  it was finally late, so around 1:30am, as the restaurant we were out was turning more so into a social hang out (with some pretty good music playing), the night ended.

We jumped into a taxi, and hit my hotel first where I jumped out and he continued on to his apartment.  Now, this is the part where you wonder if we kissed or anything else of that sort.  To be honest, I don't totally remember how we parted.  I know we didn't kiss, but I think I just thanked him for an amazing night out and jumped out of the taxi.  I cannot even remember if we hugged.  But, again, I cannot be sure.  It was late, I was tired, and my head was in the clouds. 

Upon return to my real life in the US, I started to reflect upon the type of man I would like to attract, and he fits the bill.  But, with all that good, comes some bad.  That being, he is extremely busy always, he lives in Germany, and I have no idea if he would go for a woman like me.

So, to gain some insight into the last obstacle, I reached out to a friend of mine who knows us both, and I disclosed my interest in possibly pursuing a relationship with the professor, and I said to my friend, "I would be lucky to end up with a guy like him."  My friend stopped me and said..."No, you have it all wrong...he would be lucky to have you.  You're like technicolor while he is just monochrome."

I was flattered, but that isn't getting me a real date with the professor.  So, the shining light in this otherwise sad tale is that I am a step closer to knowing what type of man is probably best for me.  Now, where do I find another one?

Does Online Dating Work?

For cute, smart ladies, online dating isn't always a good option.  To me, online dating is for mediocre matches, and if you consider yourself exceptional, you're already at a disadvantage.  Thus is my dilemma around online dating.


From the way you describe yourself to the photographs you post, you're probably thinking... "I have all of these great attributes about myself, I don't have to over-sell it" right?  Well, that doesn't always translate well to the online community.  Personally, I find myself to be "overqualified" for online dating.  8 years ago, it was the perfect way to connect with people I might have been interested in dating, but now... I've come too far.  My career is too advanced, my interests are too sophisticated, my grammar is too precise. 


The types of profiles I see and am attracted to usually say things like: "I love to travel and experience new things..."  Now, that sounds like an interesting person right?  Yes!  Except for the fact that when I actually start speaking with them, they've only started to travel, and it's because they went to Las Vegas this year for their friend's bachelor party. 


As someone who has been traveling on my own since the age of 13, it's very difficult for me to wrap my head around a grown man of say 35 or 40 years old, who has only been within a 500 mile radius of where they grew up.  We would never work.   We would never work because there'd be too many things that are core to who I am, that he would have to learn. 


I don't want to harp on the fact that well traveled means something different to many of the men I meet online, without speaking to the core of why online dating does not really work for cute, smart women. 


In my experience, the men I'm most attracted to (by sheer profile alone) declare that they want someone intelligent, but the moment you say actually show your intelligence, they back off.   Maybe it's the same issue as the well traveled definition, where these guys don't actually know what intelligence is and when I show that I am more intelligent than what they were looking for, it becomes a problem. 


Ultimately, I think online dating does not work for the cute, smart, single lady because we tend to gravitate toward actual relationships and away from hook ups, and with the evolution of online dating and the access of computers and internet connected devices to the masses, it's become the norm that most guys putting out feelers online are not really looking for the long term relationships.  This gives rise to apps such as Tinder which are so superficial, that it should have just been called "booty calls."